PADS

My husband and I can not express how much love we have for our son Cy.  However, I definitely know that I went through a period of minor depression. Nothing serious by all means but I can tell this past few weeks how much better I feel and realized I wasn't myself.

I always knew Cy would be around 22 months or so when we would bring him home but in my mind he was still a baby and not a toddler. Going from no kids to a toddler was crazy! This child can talk, has an opinion, it was crazy! All the books and training were geared toward bringing home and infant. As much as our social worker would tell us to not take his grieving personal, it was hard not too.  I also felt pretty alone, that nobody understood or could relate. Then there was, "my kid is perfect" or "why is he not adjusting ours adjusted quickly." Was something wrong with Cy?

The answer no. I put so much pressure on other peoples opinions and situations that I didn't really LOOK at my own baby. I think one of the biggest problems, while I enjoyed people coming to visit, it put a lot of added pressure on me. So when I should have been trying to figure out being a mother, a wife now that we have a child it was hard enough without having to be "on" and entertain. I don't want people to get the wrong idea, I appreciated everyone coming in to meet Cy but I think in the long run we really should of had people wait. The other difficulty was grieving.

Cy really struggled with the loss of his foster family and it was so painful. I am a control freak and I truly think the fact I couldn't control this was really difficult for me. I loved Cy from the second we got him and bond more and more with him everyday! Bonding and me not attaching to him was never an issue. However, I have to be honest...I had fears. What if he grew up and we didn't raise him right and he retaliated. What if I don't teach him well. It is a lot to raise a good man, will I do a good job? I doubted myself and my abilities as a mother. My husband was great as he told me he always knew I would be a good mother, but would I be? I am sure ALL new moms have these fears. I have to thank our social worker Maggie as she was amazing for me! She was there for me often and after awhile it got easier.  I couldn't have done it without her.

I definitely feel good now but realized in the moment and looking back that I struggled a little. I think the hard part for me is doing it on my own. My friend Sarah (I know we have the same name, both from Minnesota and seriously are SO similar) was great. When I confided in her she was very helpful. I am very thankful for her! She never judged me and completely understood what I was going through. Our conversations made me laugh and realize that what I was going through was actually normal (to a point ;-))

Now coming out I feel so much more empowered and feel that others if they ever go through it don't be afraid to talk about it. I am thankful that mine wasn't severe and I was aware of it.

I did find some great links for you to check out if you want to read more about PADS.

Post-Adoption Depression

First Year Home with your Toddler

Baby Shock

I love this women's blog! I Am Not The Babysitter


Peace and Love