Life, Love and Liberty

A friend of a friend on Facebook (funny how that works) recently made a post about toxic people and I found it hitting home as Jeremy and I were just talking about it today.

Part of my own journey toward change has involved recognizing that the power to change lies within myself, and I can’t place blame on any other person for what I choose to do with my life or choose not to do with my life. That being said, my own experience has also shown that the people I surround myself with play a major role in supporting me in my desire to change, accepting the person that I am or dragging me back toward the person that I used to be.

There are different types of people we may have to weed out of our lives if we want to move forward in a positive direction. Keep in mind that I’m not discussing all difficult relationships; some challenging relationships are well worth keeping.

There is no way we can survive in this world by ourselves and I am sure at times that I have been judged as a toxic person and visa versa., but that past few months have made me rethink and as we come out of the trenches...there really isn't many people around. I remember recently watching "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" (don't judge) about a firefighter who was badly burned and his friends who were by his side during recovery.  It made me think who I have lost contact with while I struggled with the challenges and joys of adoption these past few months and REALLY who is close to you.  I mean if people can't empathize with me in this situation...imagine if it was worse or tragic.

Tips of Keeping up with the Friendships/Family (I got this from somewhere on the internet but can no longer find the site.:) ). 

1. A commitment to your happiness A true friend is consistently willing to put your happiness before your friendship. It's said that "good advice grates on the ear," but a true friend won't refrain from telling you something you don't want to hear, something that may even risk fracturing the friendship, if hearing it lies in your best interest. A true friend will not lack the mercy to correct you when you're wrong. A true friend will confront you with your drinking problem as quickly as inform you about a malignant-looking skin lesion on your back that you can't see yourself.
2. Not asking you to place the friendship before your principles. A true friend won't ask you to compromise your principles in the name of your friendship or anything else. Ever.
3. A good influence. A true friend inspires you to live up to your best potential, not to indulge your basest drives.

I hope all of us take the time to feel thankful for the people in our lives, near and far. To take care, hold close and continued growth and understanding of the one's we love.

Peace and Love

PADS

My husband and I can not express how much love we have for our son Cy.  However, I definitely know that I went through a period of minor depression. Nothing serious by all means but I can tell this past few weeks how much better I feel and realized I wasn't myself.

I always knew Cy would be around 22 months or so when we would bring him home but in my mind he was still a baby and not a toddler. Going from no kids to a toddler was crazy! This child can talk, has an opinion, it was crazy! All the books and training were geared toward bringing home and infant. As much as our social worker would tell us to not take his grieving personal, it was hard not too.  I also felt pretty alone, that nobody understood or could relate. Then there was, "my kid is perfect" or "why is he not adjusting ours adjusted quickly." Was something wrong with Cy?

The answer no. I put so much pressure on other peoples opinions and situations that I didn't really LOOK at my own baby. I think one of the biggest problems, while I enjoyed people coming to visit, it put a lot of added pressure on me. So when I should have been trying to figure out being a mother, a wife now that we have a child it was hard enough without having to be "on" and entertain. I don't want people to get the wrong idea, I appreciated everyone coming in to meet Cy but I think in the long run we really should of had people wait. The other difficulty was grieving.

Cy really struggled with the loss of his foster family and it was so painful. I am a control freak and I truly think the fact I couldn't control this was really difficult for me. I loved Cy from the second we got him and bond more and more with him everyday! Bonding and me not attaching to him was never an issue. However, I have to be honest...I had fears. What if he grew up and we didn't raise him right and he retaliated. What if I don't teach him well. It is a lot to raise a good man, will I do a good job? I doubted myself and my abilities as a mother. My husband was great as he told me he always knew I would be a good mother, but would I be? I am sure ALL new moms have these fears. I have to thank our social worker Maggie as she was amazing for me! She was there for me often and after awhile it got easier.  I couldn't have done it without her.

I definitely feel good now but realized in the moment and looking back that I struggled a little. I think the hard part for me is doing it on my own. My friend Sarah (I know we have the same name, both from Minnesota and seriously are SO similar) was great. When I confided in her she was very helpful. I am very thankful for her! She never judged me and completely understood what I was going through. Our conversations made me laugh and realize that what I was going through was actually normal (to a point ;-))

Now coming out I feel so much more empowered and feel that others if they ever go through it don't be afraid to talk about it. I am thankful that mine wasn't severe and I was aware of it.

I did find some great links for you to check out if you want to read more about PADS.

Post-Adoption Depression

First Year Home with your Toddler

Baby Shock

I love this women's blog! I Am Not The Babysitter


Peace and Love

It's Been Awhile

It has been awhile since I last wrote and I have so many great things to talk about!

Cy is attaching and bonding more and more every day.  He has such a beautiful personality that shines through and makes my heart go pitter patter. He is playing independently more and more AND he talks all the time. Half the time I have no idea what he is saying but it can be pretty funny!

Here are some of Cy's favorite things:

• TRUCKS! He loves them! Points them out. Wants to read about them before he goes to bed.
• Airplanes. If he even hears one in the sky he says, "Ooo plane" and points to the sky.
• He loves our neighbor Matt and his dog Bindi
• He is open to trying everything
• He enjoys helping me cook
• He loves Aunt and Uncles Jill, Eric, David, Melissa, CoCo and Owen
• He really enjoys watering the garden
• He is getting better about swimming and being in the pool
• He prefers our Jeep over the Prius. No idea why but he likes riding and playing in the Jeep.
• He loves music! Still and probably always!
• His recent new words (there are a lot) "mine" or "me"
• He loves to climb and pull himself up! We are doing parent/tot at GK to get his gymnastics skills on.
• He is really eating now as he has grown almost 4 inches in 3 months
• He said "home" this past week and put his arms up in the air in his room! This is big because he usually says "home" and wants to leave. I almost cried!
• He loves all his cars that he can ride or scoot around on.
• He loves playing the guitar.
• He definitely mimics all we do which can be entertaining at times. 
• Cy loves the ladies and is a little mac daddy.
• He LOVES Grandma Irene. His reactions when she comes over are priceless. 
• Manchego Cheese
• Chips
• Popcorn
• He can eat spicy food sometimes
• Any "Annies" product he loves!
• Loves Chocolate!
• Cy is super shy and social at the same time.
• He LOVES going to the park and swinging.

Cy doesn't watch TV or really sit still at all!  Sometimes I wish he would just sit down and watch something and it doesn't work. I really shouldn't mind as I love that he plays and likes to be creative but sometimes Mommy needs 5 minutes. I have got him watching Finding Nemo and Spain on the Road Again, etc...

I know for me I am starting to settle in. We met with our social worker yesterday and we talked how things are starting to feel better and flow.  I am starting to get a feel of when he is overtired, or had to much, or hungry, etc...It has taken us awhile to figure all that out. As he is getting more comfortable with us, we are with him and the routine. The reality of there are no breaks, changing how you do everything, planning, organizing, etc...Pretty much all the normal stuff as a parent that you feel and go through. I LOVE being a mother and especially to Cy. As we bond more and more I hate being away from him! He is finally off the bottle! He is eating more and more solids! We are still struggling with sleep (or I should say Jeremy as he does full sleep duty) as he wakes up every few hours. However, he did sleep through the night last Thursday and Friday! Whoo! He will take medicine willingly now too. We feel like it has been baby steps for each hurdle and we are slowly overcoming it.

I see us now trying to reach out to people and hang out more and more. We hung out with friends at New West Fest and people have been swinging by the house. I actually took Cy to a friends house last Friday (it was awful and he literally was all over the place) but the point is that we went out! Jeremy is the resident neighborhood dad, meeting people all the time. Which is great! I love our neighborhood and our town so much! I know we will not be in Fort Collins forever but while we are here we are enjoying all our awesome town has to offer!

Peace and Love!

Sisters

My sister and I have been through a lot together in our lifetime. We have seen each others ups and downs. However, recently I would say our relationship is at it's best!  I don't know if it is me becoming a mother or what but we definitely have bonded.  I think I spend more time with her then anyone else. I rarely get tired of her and wish that we would actually do more stuff together.

It is funny how strong our bond is.  My sister and I grew up in good old Nebraska. I am not sure how much of that time she remembers but I remember it very clearly.  She was the annoying little girl who would trail behind me, or chase me around and my play mate when nobody was there.  When my mom left my father and we moved to Minnesota we became each others ally and worst nightmare. I think because of our home situation we leaned on each other and I felt sort of a protector for her and because we were kids I couldn't stand her. But it was her moving to Fort Collins that really forged our bond!

I know it annoys her when I can be bossy, but I am just a bossy person. I have always been protective, defender and so proud of my sister. She is truly an amazingly smart, generous, dry humored and loving person.  I couldn't be more proud of all that she has accomplished. I love that we live close to each other and see each other almost every week. She is the first person I talk to every morning. When we are on vacation and don't talk every day there is this void and we both can't wait to chat, complain, laugh or bitch to each other when we get back from our trip.

Recently, with me becoming a mom I feel our relationship has grown so close. She was the only person we wanted to spend our first 72 hours with after bring our son home from Korea. I love going over there and seeing Cy so excited to hang out with his Aunt Jill, Uncle Eric, Grandma and CoCo!  She always tells me we are not friends, but we are sisters...but I feel that she is more then just my sister. I know we will not always live close together and if I had my way we would never be more then a cars drive apart. I cherish this time living close to her, spending time together and watching our kids grow up together. I look forward to our families taking vacations together! I feel so thankful every day that I have her in my life! She IS my best friend and strongest supporter! I love ya Jill!

Reason, Season or Lifetime

I remember this poem from when I was in college and I think about it often.

As I enter this new phase of life I think of those amazing friendships I have had throughout my life and those people who I feel so fortunate are still in my life and those who are there in Facebook...but have moved on. While some are near and far they are cherished and appreciated.


Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Psychology Today...

Well we had our last round of visitors for the rest of the year! Cy has seen everyone and it has been great that so many people want to come and meet the little guy!  Robert and Milly were great fun and Cy really took to both of them and he enjoyed his time playing. I feel so blessed marrying into such a wonderful and accepting family.  We have loved everyone who has come out to visit and meet the little man.

Cy's personality is developing more and more everyday. Recently, his new favorite thing is bubbles in the bath tub. I got a heavy hand last week and put a ton of bubble soap in the tub and it was overflowing with bubbles and when Cy came in to the bathroom a shriek I have never heard came from his lips, "Bubbles." he said. He is loving bath time now and I love seeing him so excited.

He is really starting to eat more food. He still chokes sometimes on certain food but I think that will continue to change. This week we are prepping him that we will be taking the bottle away. I hate doing it as it will be hell for a week or so but it is so important. Our social worker said talk to him about it before we actually do it, so we are starting to talk to him and tell him it is going to be happening. I will keep you posted on how that will go.


Life has been such a whirlwind these past 3 months. So many visitors, doctors visits, learning, growing, crying, laughing etc. You name it we have felt it and been through it. As much as we have loved all of our visitors I am excited for it to be complete. I am excited to just hang out with Jeremy and Cy. I am excited to start seeing our friends and have them get to know Cy and fall in love with him as much as we have fallen in love. 

Fouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur!

We are heading into our 4th month with our little dude! I can't tell you how much I love that kid despite all the hard times.  His personality is coming out more and more and he cracks me up.  I think we are in the toddler testing stage as he will literally throw his bottle in front of him and then cry for "Uyu" which means milk in Korean. If he doesn't get his way, he throws a tantrum. I am totally coming out as the softy in our parenting world. I try and be strong but I hate to see him cry, even if it is manipulative.

Cy is definitely eating more all the time and seems to have a palate similar to ours. We gave up on feeding him toddler type food as all he wanted was what we eat, so I changed our diet. I love to watch him as he is discovering food is fuel and eating more and more and MORE importantly swallowing! He is such a happier kid the more he eats. His language is coming along so well! He communicates and says more words every day. He said his first sentence a week ago, "Grandma look at my truck." I about flipped out I was so excited. I love his voice and laugh it makes my heart melt.

This past weekend I had a break from him and got to sit outside in the beautiful summer Colorado air, listening to Brandi and Ingrid and staring over Denver thinking about my family...which I have! I sat there thinking about how lucky I am to be blessed with a child and a wonderful husband. I am so happy. There is so much more purpose to every day (despite REALLY missing working out). Let me tell you it has been a bumpy road with him and I do not even want to THINK about what it is going to be like when we pull the bottle! But years from now we won't even remember, except all the pictures with his bottle in his mouth.

I look forward to him attaching more and more! He calls us Mommy and DeDe all the time. He is doing more independent play. He is finding things he enjoys. He is loving and giving hugs. I just love the that he is becoming this person. He is so independent too!

I think you kind of freak out when you first get home like, Shit! Where is the rule book. How does this work. What if I break him. What if I mess up! Everything goes through my head!  I just want to be the best parent, mother and wife. I hope along the way I meet some good friends and Cy grows up to be an accepting, loving and caring person. I will do my best to raise him to the best of my abilities. I definitely feel like I have changed in the past 3 months. I feel like everything about has me has been tested. I feel that I am more focused on what is important. I feel that I have mellowed (a little). I feel that I see the world and people through different eyes. I feel that I am a better person for being the mother of Cy.

Peace and Love