Ode to Jer

Those of you who know me know that 7 years ago,  I met the most amazing man who has literally changed my life.  I really am not sure how I got so lucky.  We have had an awesome time!  Although, the past three years of our marriage has been very difficult and only those who are very close know the main details. I don't know why I have chosen to have some verbal vomit, but there are not many who follow the blog and it is actually quite helpful as we round closer to the final lap of our adoption process. Jeremy and I have been through a lot of ups and downs (just like a lot of people) and we continue to grow stronger and stronger. It all began in January 2009...

Jeremy and I started fertility treatments in the beginning of 2009. We were having some technical difficulties and decided to seek help.  I did 6 rounds of IUI's. You might think, that is not a big deal...but the during and after effects of the whole process is brutal. Clomid was horrible and giving yourself shots of the hormone is just painful (in an emotional factor).  The whole process of intimacy is thrown out the window when you start doing fertility treatments and having to have set sex times.  Needless to say that this process did not work for my husband and I. My doctor did find some problems and a Laparoscopy procedure was required. My case was endometriosis and fibroids. The procedure was very painful and I was laid up for about 2 weeks. I am sure the recovery times very, however I had an infection in my uterus so that caused for some delays. The fun part was my cousin Ashley had just had a surgical procedure too and we got to chat a lot while laying in bed and I loved all of our text and conversations. This was the first few years of my marriage. I am lucky Jeremy and I were together for 4 years before we decided to get married! After all this Jeremy and I decided to adopt....

While I have never been diagnosed with not being able to have children, my age doesn't help much with chance of biological kids. I have no regrets with the chance to adopt our son Cy whom we should be going to get in a few months!  There will always be this part of me that feels a tinge of sadness if we never have a biological child but I know that I will love Cy so much that he would never feel anything less. My problem now is that I just wish we had more money (adoption isn't cheap) to adopt more kids! I find myself scouring adoption websites and wondering if we will adopt again. My problem is this whole adoption process has been no picnic!

If you have never been through it, it is very hard to explain. It is such an emotional roller coaster and you have absolutely no control (and I am a serious control freak). You are at the hands or other countries governments. At first I have to say I was very optimistic and just rolling through the punches. As this process has dragged on and on I swear my optimism has dwindled and bitterness has set in. I just want my son home and I hate waiting. Do you know how weird it is to walk around a house filled with toddler things and you have NO idea when he is coming home. I can't even buy clothes because I have no idea (despite measurements) how big or little he really is.  At least when you are pregnant you have an expected time...with adoption...you wait and wait and wait.  One thing about me is that I am NOT a patient person and I use to think that this process is going to make me more patient...wrong. It isn't working. I think I am learning to wait.  To handle disappointment with grace and humility.  To cry and be okay with that emotion.  To be sad and be okay with being sad. I think so many times we are told to cover our emotions, this process has taught me it is okay to have emotions. It puts strains sometimes on the relationship because you are sad and it is natural to take frustrations out on the person closest to you and not matter what they say or do or trip you go on there is nothing that can make it better that your child is not here yet.

Through all these situations my husband has been fantastic, while I know I can be a pain in the ass his constant steadfast personality, patience, optimism and strength has been my rock.We have had wonderful conversations, discussions that I wouldn't have expected this early on and great moments. Soon we will enter a new phase of our life together, parents.  I am excited and nervous at the same time! I love my Jeremy and very selfish of my time with him.  I truly enjoy being with him. I know he is going to be such an amazing father because of how he has been with our niece and what a wonderful husband he is to me. Every morning I get up I am so excited that he is next to me and I can't wait to see him at the end of the day!  I thank everyday that he is in my life and we get to have this amazing journey together.

Love you my darling!